Today, I’m going to discuss a topic with you that is at the cornerstone of recovery for a cheating couples early on. But it’s also a very vital concept for couples who are months and even years down the road and that’s the topic of trust because at the end of the day. When there’s been infidelity of any kind trust has been shattered and we’ve heard from marriage experts for decades that trust is the foundation of a marriage. Respect is given, the trust is earned. And earning trust is probably one of the most difficult things for an unfaithful spouse to do on the heels of that. Trying to trust your spouse or partner again can be an awfully challenging experience that if you’re flooding, if you’ve had your heart ripped out and stepped on. If you’ve had your life exposed, that the life that you thought you were living is no longer the life that you were living or were living and that you’ve been brought out into this whole new world of betrayal to offer trust again scares the life out of you and before you think that we’re going to take this journey into beating a dead horse into how to trust again. Honesty spills over into intimacy and intimacy is what recreates trust the last thing that any expert in infidelity would ask you to do is to automatically go back to trusting your spouse.
Rebuilding the trust
If we’re really honest as unfaithful spouse is the first thing that we would say would be. I wouldn’t trust me either if I were you. The reality is trust has been completely decimated. And the last thing that you want to do is go right back into trusting, but you can replace trust early on with honesty and transparency because that is what’s going to rebuild intimacy, which slowly but surely can rebuild trust. Now, having said that trust can be this. A serial intangible wide angle brush stroke that you kind of go, man, it’s hard to put your finger on that a word that is far more impacting for the unfaithful. Yes, I said that right because we unfaithful can be stupid. We can be self absorbed. We can be completely lost in our own. Self centered ness. A word that’s very tangible to the betrayed and very meaningful and tangible to the unfaithful is the word reliable if you want to rebuild trust one of the best things that you can do as an unfaithful spouse is commit to being reliable. Reliability is something that’s actually tangible to the betrayed spouse. It’s actually something that’s even soothing to them that they can count on you, whether you’re male, whether you’re female, if you’re not faithful, if you want to change the game. If you want to absolutely start to draw your betrayed spouse or partner and commit to being a reliable individual because reliability is something that’s going to pay dividends for you because the betrayed feels soothed when you are reliable when you are where you said you’re going to be when you’re doing what you said you were going to do when you eat at the restaurant. You said you were going to eat at when you bring the trash cans in when you commit to mowing on when you pay the bills on time when you stay accountable for where you’re at or where you are not at. That’s soothing to the betrayed spouse. I know what’s coming. I can feel it in my bones. Because I would have said this over a decade ago too. So Samuel, this is the unfaithful speaking. Am I a child now, am I relegated to a five year old that needs to be managed, that has to be on a leash. Now every waking moment of my life. I’m going to be tested and tried and have to prove myself no. But if you ever want your betrayed partner to trust you again, you’re going to have to be reliable. That’s going to have to be the epicenter of rebuilding trust because if they can’t count on you, I can promise you. Trust will be harder and harder for you to gain. The thing about reliability is it says I am others focused rather than self absorbed and constantly focused on myself doing my own thing, whatever I want. Whatever I want, however, I want without factoring in anybody else’s needs or feelings or emotions or.
Other problems in a relationship after cheating
And so if you’re not faithful, when you are reliable, you are others focused when you are unreliable, can’t be counted upon constantly caught up in your own agenda, your own stuff, your own issues, you are unreliable, which says you are selfish. Self focused, constantly doing your own thing and your betrayed partner wants to rely upon you and they can’t. And I really believe the hard cry. Of the betrayed partner is help me to be able to count on you. Unfaithful, help me one day to be able to rely upon you to do what you said that you’re going to do to be who you said you’re going to be to do the work that you said that you were going to do to live out these new boundaries, these new values. This new revelation of who you can be if you go unchecked, the betrayed cries out, please let me be able to rely upon you. It will change our lives. It will help me. It will comfort me. It will soothe me in ways that your words. Will never be able to. Soothe me. Here’s a few things to keep in mind if you are an unfaithful, if you are a betrayed and want to leave a comment or post something that adds to these biomes, please do number one, don’t ever self-justify. The fact that. In your mind. You have this inner dialogue if you’re an unfaithful that well. I said I was going out to drink with my buddies. And I said I was going to x bar, but I’m still at a bar. It’s in a completely different part of town or whatever. It’s not gonna matter. Oh no, please don’t do that. It will matter in this day and age life is totally different. It is so easy to send a text. Hey, honey, we’re not going to this bar. We’re going to that bar. I’m still with these people. See you later that says I want you to be able to rely upon me that I’m where I said I was going to be and if there’s a last minute change. Then there’s always changes sometimes if you are out with co-workers or you’re in business meetings in the evening, it changes. But the fact that you would care enough to let them know speaks volumes about wanting to rebuild, trust and soothe. But never just self-justify of you know what. Ah. They’ll be fine with it. They probably won’t be. Number two. Never assume. That the betrayed spouse is thinking the way that you are. You may have said you had a certain meal at a restaurant. But you had a different meal. It was at the same restaurant, but it was a different meal and then your spouse sees a receipt that says you had a different meal than you said. And you might think, come on, samuel really. Yes, because if you’re lying about the meal that you had. What else are you lying about? You’re telling me you can’t be honest about the meal that you ate, but yet you’re being honest about all these intricate details about your affair.
So more of the betrayed spouse than you can possibly imagine because once you grab hold of it, you realize, okay, I need to be reliable. I need to be accountable. I need to be able to be honest with what I ate. And where I was if I can’t be honest about those things. How is it there going to actually believe me that I’m being honest about my emotions and desire and wanting of them and trying to save our relationship. Next, don’t fight it. And what I mean by that is. When we as unfaithful here, our betrayed partners say, I just can’t trust you. We have several reactions. That are awful when we get defensive man. We prove their point. Why are we getting defensive, we’ve had an affair or multiple affairs. They don’t trust us. They shouldn’t trust us. We know everything about us as unfaithful. To think that we should ask them to trust us when we know that we have proven we cannot be trusted. What room is there for defensiveness? All it does is prove their point that we can’t be trusted and we look awful. We look absolutely distrustful because we’re getting so angry when they have years or months of information that would prove. That we haven’t. Kept or handled their trust. Well, it actually appears that we’re in denial. That we are denying our reality that we have broken their trust. It will not just come like that. Trust is earned. You can ask for them to respect you all day long. But to ask them to trust you. I think it would be better for you to say, you know what. I’m going to be reliable. So I’m going to work on that because I want to regain your trust. I want to regain your heart and if reliability is the gateway to your heart, I am all in. Next one of the last things that you want to do when your spouse says to you that they don’t trust you is get aggressive because it proves the point you cannot be counted on. To be whole to be healthy, to be safe for them. Yes, reliability means that they can rely upon you to be safe for their anger. They’re paying their hurt, their struggle, never physical violence. I’m not suggesting that, but can they rely upon you to hear a conversation like that and not lose your mind on them because it’s something that you don’t agree with. We unfaithful also engage in a behavior that’s somewhat ridiculous. When our spouse tells us that they don’t trust us, we have this self righteous indignation. That wells up inside of us from a place of deception. How can we be in this self righteous, indignant you need to trust me why you’ve proven that I can’t. I don’t understand what you’re not seeing or getting unfaithful when you constantly demand for your spouse to trust you. You are proving that you are not trustworthy because you are trying to make them manipulate them, control them demand. That they trust you rather than saying, you know what? It’s time for my actions to speak louder than my words. Finally, we also like to do this. We also like to catastrophize. My spouse says that they can’t trust me again. My betrayed partner. Oh my gosh, and now we spill over in despair and hopelessness and and just pity and, oh, they’re not going to be able to trust me and what am I going to do? They shouldn’t trust you. I’m sorry to say, let me be the one that tells you they should not trust you right now. And if you’ve lived a life. That might be years down the road from infidelity, but still are not reliable and still have these gaping holes of. Untrustworthiness they’re not gonna trust. Wherever you’re at today, if you are not faithful. Man, I hope I wish I could sit with you and tell you that if you can show that you’re reliable, it’s not going to fix everything overnight, but it will definitely change the entire process. Can you be counted upon? Can you have the mentality that says I want to be counted upon? I want to show you that I can be relied upon that your heart is safe with me that you can count upon me to do what I say. I’m gonna do to be where I say I’m gonna be and live a life of absolute accountability.