For a long time I thought affairs only happen in troubled relationships of cheating couples. If you have everything you want, there should be no reason to go looking elsewhere. But then I began to hear more and more people come and say, I love my partner. I’m having an affair. You know, in the same way that when I wrote mating in captivity, people would say, I love my partner. I have no sex. And I was like, you know, I thought if you love your desire. And now I thought if you love you faithful. So this idea that not all affairs are symptoms of relationships can arise that people in happy relationships also stray and it isn’t because of their partner or because of something in the relationship. That is another thing here that affairs and this led me to the second thing. Which is that you always have to look at infidelity from a dual perspective at the heart of affairs is betrayal and hurt. But there is also longing. Longing for an emotional connection, longing for intensity, longing for a different sexuality, longing to reconnect with lost parts of ourselves. Longing to suddenly feel alive because people have allowed themselves to feel dead on the inside. That what it did to you and what it meant to me that you have to be able to figure out both is a much more useful way to help people. Yeah, how do we you know, all those things we’re talking about longing for a desire of someone else or a different experience or something from the past or other things you’re talking about, how do we get those things in our partner if we’re feeling those things that they’re missing.

What happens whe relationship is missing something?

So even if we love our partner or not, you know. Someone comes to you and it’s like. I love my partner, but I feel like I’m missing these other things. How do we not miss those things or create those in our relationship, do you know how many times I say to people tell me something, the person that is here in this other relationship, is that the one who comes home. I mean, the one that you partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husbandman is dealing with is not nearly as charming and as attentive. You know when you prepare your suitcase and you fly and you choose your carefully chosen clothes and you prepare yourself and and you know you don’t bring work with you when you go to, you know but when you go home. You’re on your phone the whole time you bring the leftovers. You know, nearly that attentive, if you will. Is charming, your humor is gone, you know. And, uh, and then you tell me that your your your wife is boring or your husband is boring and you. Who are you here versus who are you, there not who are they. Who are you? So that’s the first thing. It’s like, what happened to you that you let these things seep out of you and what makes it difficult for you to bring this back into your own relationship? There are m ultiple reasons why people why people neglect themselves in some way. Why is it that there you can be such a free woman and here is this boyfriend of yours who think you hate sex, you have no interest. You are utterly, you know frozen and this one is like the same woman. And that’s the bigger lie, the bigger lie is not only that you’re having a lover, the bigger lie is that your husband, your boyfriend has no idea what’s the truth about you.

Dig in your childhood

Sometimes it’s stories from childhood. I have no idea how to bring that part of me in the context of family because family was the place where sexuality was the most dangerous. So I have never known how to experience pleasure at home home was a place where I made sure to be safe pleasure. I took somewhere else, then you start to see the way that people have carved out and compartmentalized. And the reasons behind it now is real therapy work. That’s a difference. You know that’s when you start to really try to understand why can’t you integrate the different parts. Is it kind of like the idea of always dating in your relationship, it’s like always trying to be your charming self and not forgetting it how you got into the relationship, don’t forget that. Is that kind of the concept. I don’t know if it’s always dating but for sure the couples that are erotic couples are couples who maintain a level of attention on each other. They don’t take each other for granted. Yeah, they flirt, they are physical. They continue to play with each other. They create desire. I mean, it it doesn’t just stay. I mean, it is an amazing thing to see how attentive people are to their creative projects to their artwork, to their businesses, to the. And how often rather neglectful, even a dead night, it’s nice. But what do you bring to the date night, I mean. She’s going through the motions or is it creative, yeah something you know look, we know that if you do familiar activities with your partner, it’s very nice and it creates a real sense of comfort to go back and to repeat things that you enjoy. But we know that if you want to bring excitement into a relationship, you need new. You need to have this relationship be one in which you take yourself out of your comfort zone in which you discover something in which you explore traveling, but it does have to be just traveling by going abroad. It’s traveling. It’s taking yourself to new places to new experiences with each other to new thresholds. And if you think if you look at it metaphorically or biologically, it makes all sense in the world growth involves exploration, involves curiosity involves discovery. We know it and it involves risk taking. We know it in business and it is no different in the relationship in the business of intimacy. If you want to go. Do you do any of these things, of course, yeah, we do it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And if we’re not my girlfriend always remind me like, let’s go try something new. You know, if it’s been like a week or two where we’ve kind of been doing the same thing. Just like going to the movie or to the same place to eat. She’s like, let’s go try something new and I’m like, yeah. We need to so she’s actually good at that because sometimes I can just be focused on. My vision and my work and just like not stop. And it’s comfortable to just do the same thing and not have to think about creating something new. So I could see a difference in that creativity and that uniqueness when we go do something different as opposed to the same thing, I can feel the desire and curiosity. And then you said thank you. I mean, the the the the difference of one person says it’s so nice. I mean, I would have thought about it. I love it when you take me you remind me and then I don’t mind doing it if I feel appreciated for it. Right, because then okay, it became my role for some reason I have more availability in my head space to think about those things. And as long as I know that you really appreciate it that you value this that you’re coming along. Not just to do me a favor right then I’ll come up with more and more ideas and I will keep this going for years for years, you know and we study erotic couples. I mean, there is it’s it’s not an unknown. We know that there are people who maintain a sudden spark and it has nothing to do with how often they make love, but they are engaged with each other. They enjoy each other’s company after decades, they still find each other interesting. They’re not bored. Oh, what else should we know about this, what else should we know about? I wanted to say one other thing that I had discovered that to me was really important. Because it is not getting enough attention these days. Everything these days is about you make it or you break it, you end it’s not good, you leave, you can do better. You leave you’re not happy or you could be happier, you leave. And I think that the people who actually want to stay after an infidelity in their relationship are often judged. And look down upon what’s wrong with you. You let him walk all over you. You let her boss you around. You know,, yeah, that’s scary too. It’s kind of like your friends are constantly pressing. You can do better, don’t even tell them the majority of people I meet won’t tell their friends to feel guilty or feel like weak or whatever. Yes, you dumped the dog on the curb. You know forget everything that happens the five years of the relationship. Just that’s why three, five or twenty five right out. And I think sometimes out is what needs to happen, but sometimes this happens in a good relationship and it happened. And it and we need to know what to do when it happens, but just to judge people and shame them sustain. Isn’t there? That’s not good. It’s not right. I don’t and I think it really is not giving relationships the credit they deserve because they’re not perfect. But they are not perfect and you know what, sometimes what comes afterwards is going to be even better than what was before the wake up call the wake up call. Like when you have an illness, it gives you a new perspective on life. Do I recommend you to get sick, no. But do I accept that sometimes out of that crisis, you will actually reprioritize your life and live with a different level of honesty and authenticity. The same happens in a relationship.

Recovering after infidelity

You have to believe in the strength of people to actually take this learn from it resuscitated and revitalized. Yeah so if you are the friend of someone who went through infidelity, whereas a girlfriend, a boyfriend cheated on them and you’re hearing this as the friend. How do you create a space for your friend who went through this to make sure that you’re I don’t know either giving tough love of like. Okay, let’s make sure this doesn’t happen over and over or what’s the structure they can give if they can’t hire you or a therapist. I think it’s a great anonymous because so many of us have been that. And you know the first thing I say to the friend is try as best as you can not to insert yourself in the story. It’s not about you and what happened to you and what your mother did to your father or your father did to your mother and therefore what your girlfriend needs to do try to create a space. It’s exactly that now if you have a girlfriend and every time this is now three times in a row, she finds herself with a guy who treats her like shit. You really do wanna tell her this is not okay and you want to help her pull out. But if you are with a girlfriend or a friend male friend and they have been together for twelve years and you know that these people have really been good together and they’ve built a lot of things together. Tell her, figure it out. I’m here for you. I have no idea what’s the writing for you. You know I am here to hold you when you doubt yourself, I’m here to remind you that you are more than just the person that just has been shafted and betrayed. I am here to give you back your sense of value when you think that you have been completely divine, you then pushed aside. I’m here to tell you that you’re beautiful when you think that you probably are not beautiful enough anymore. I’m here, you know, I’m gonna hold the other view of you that you don’t have in this moment because you’re so low that’s my role as a friend not to tell you. Do this or do that and judge you. I mean, the amount of people I’ve seen who say my best friend doesn’t talk to me anymore. Oh my god, because I’ve decided to stay with, you know, and why not? Because I think he’s such a great man or such a great woman. We have four children. My mother is dying. I you know, I haven’t worked in twenty years. I need, you know, or I have we have a business together, I mean. Other considerations here and I am not ready to walk out on all of this. Even if it’s not for the quality of my relationship, but it’s because my relationship is the nexus on which so many other parts of my life depend upon and I’m not willing to let all of that go at this point. Who are we to say. Who are we to say, so it’s a very delicate thing when to leave, when to stay when to try again, when to give up when to accept finally that this is never going to change when to know. You know and I think it’s different when you read a chronic philanderer or or and when you read a person who you know, for years before none of this happened and this happened, you know what was going on. And. What is the shared responsibility for the deterioration of the relationship as well, what is there things that we collude and on together. But as a friend. You really want to be there to give people back their sense of self worth at a moment when they feel like it’s been sucked out of them more than to tell them. Leave you put the clothes on the street. You know, take them out, you know. Take her out, you know, how the because the the fear of staying the shame of staying is even worse on men. Oh my gosh. Oh, really, oh yes. So when men get because we understand that women are used to women historically, I used to be cheated on so you know therefore they need to go now because they finally have the choice to do with the possibility to go but the guy who stays what kind of a man are you, he instantly gets emasculated. He’s weak. He lets her walk all over him. You know, he has no balls. I mean, his entire mask. Is instantly put on the line and even more so when you go to latin cultures and more traditional cultures there, it’s like your your your you know horns don’t exist on a woman, right, so how would a how would a a guy friend support the guy who got cheated on. Who you know and don’t start trashing the partner right away. That’s the first thing on either side. It’s so because if I start rushing your girlfriend, look at her, what the you know the. What are you going to do? You’re gonna defend her. You’re going to end the boy for me because you know. It’s not that bad. It’s like, yeah. Instead of you being angry at her, I am now so like as if it happened to me, you know, I make it more angry than you. So now you caught in a triangle. You know I just need to say, look, man, this is horrible. This is this sucks, you know, um. What happened there, you know, and do you think you’ve been good to. Do you think that she had reasons to. Before you start cursing her, maybe we check a little bit on here for the moment too, you know you know what it looks like. She’s not really into you. I mean, she has issues or maybe she doesn’t love you anymore, but, you know, she you have made it impossible for her to go because you have this business together and you basically told her that she won’t get a penny when she goes. You know if you love someone, set them free. If they love you, they’ll come back.

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