So, how to deal with a husband who cheats? Okay, so I’ve been together with my husband for thirty one years, married for twenty five, but we’ve been separated for a year because the year before he had had an epiphany, we got back together. We started reconciling but then I found out he was still doing his online emotional affairs.
This is a kind of a difficult situation prior to his first affair he had been a wonderful husband, a wonderful father, but he let out a secret that he’d been so ah been keeping for most of our relationship that he had been sexually abused as a child, by a very close family friend and then that that actually re-occurred as an adult um but actually forcefully and the relationship happened for two years while he was in his early forties until he was able to get away from the person and ok. Some male abused him or use my husband when he was in his forties. It was the same man he was abused as a child. But the same man, very, very close family friend, he had been abused by him as a child. But that person um actually wanted to take relationship further and at one time when they were alone he had used physical force. And he forced my husband into a relationship, blackmailed and that type of thing. I had no idea about it. He came out and let us like the whole family know, um, two years ago, so it was, you know, this is like, a very difficult situation.
Your partner needs attention
I did not know how to handle it. To be honest, I kind of emotionally hid and work like sixty hours a week. But in that time that probably he needed me. He sought someone out and he found, um, you know. Found a relationship within months of letting everybody know about this relationship and that once I found a bomb that was like another bomb, first bomb and second bomb and I ended up in a mental hospital and I did. But we got over it and we, um. We reconciled, but he wasn’t he’s not healthy now. He wasn’t healthy then and he’s not mentally unc. Now he is getting counseling. I am getting counseling. But, you know, after the first of the year I thought we were reconciling. But then I found out months. Almost, you know. Yeah, about six or seven months after I found out he was still on the phone with people still on social media with people and I just I asked him to leave like I kick them out. And so it’s been a year since that has happened. And when when you say these people. No, all females. You know, and and through his counselor. She tells him that he’s seeking out this female attention.
Why does he cheat?
And so he’s you know, he’s seeking out, you know. Because of shame and and adrenaline, ok. We’ve been separated for a year. He’s had multiple in that year. Multiple affairs online and he’s had a few in person. He said he stopped everything now except for the emotional affair and probably a few you know, one that is long distance never met the person, but she does give him conflict and he doesn’t, you know, encountering a few times he’s gone with me and I said to him. You know, I’m willing to work on anything but I can’t work with you while these other people involved in the marriage, you know, how are we supposed to work together when you’re seeking these people out, you know. Especially this particular person that give him confidence he doesn’t want to give a rock. And so my with with the help of my counsel, she said. Well, you know, you can’t work together. Unless you give that up and try to see if you can, you can be together and there is love between us deep love between us, but you know there is also mental illness on inside for. But the abuse he selected for the mental illnesses is suffering right now.
Working on a relationship together
So finally in october I had I gave him an ultimatum. I said, you need to have to agree to work on the marriage. Get rid of all of this, the social media connections to see what we can do or I’m going to file for divorce and he wasn’t he was honest, he wasn’t able to give up the um the emotional atheist. And so you know we were going to have a divorce court in december. He asked if I would postpone. Um because he was going to go into a program and get some help, which I am aware is not going to happen overnight and he’s done that. So we postponed it, but I’ve seen very little change in him. He has come home, not on his own. He’s been wanting to come home, but in a shepherd room. Um so how how can I help. What can I do for you may help. How may I help you. Um well, the question is is that he’s back home, but he it was kind of like he, um. It wasn’t like he wanted to be there to be with me. I think it was just like it was. You know, a situation of safety in the home and he wants me to continue this this relationship, which is like being friendly with each other but not much else. But I was trying to stand up for the marriage even though I filed a divorce, but he’s still in these he’s still in an unfunctional relationship that he can’t give up. So so what is the question that leave me, where does that where do I stand and what what should I do, should I continue with my firmness, look, you have to give up these emotional connections and let’s go to counting together or do the work is going to go through or do I continue to let him do that. Ok, when we start thinking about this. Right, but you see you’ve already you’ve already done that. What I mean is this you told him we can’t get together. You can’t come home unless you stop those things. But if I heard what you said correctly, you actually did let him come home anyway and now he’s like, ok, I’m here. I just want to be friends. I want to be buddies. Let me live here and what I hear you asking is the same thing that you had already decided with the help of your counselor as long as you’re involved with this as long as you’re doing these things, then I cannot live with you. But you’ve already changed that. And so my question is one way or the other one way or the other. My recommendation and I’m not trying to override your counselor and never ever want to override anybody counsellor. But my suggestion is that you need to make a decision and the decision is no, no, we will not work on this. You cannot live here unless you stop those other relationships. I’m not going to just meet your roommate if you make that decision, then you have to stay with that decision. If you decide no, we’ll live here and you can be my roommate and maybe over time we can fix this if that’s the decision you want to make, then if you’re right to make it, but don’t expect a whole lot of progress. People pretty well do what you let them do and in the situation where it is like, ok, we can live together, you can keep on having these contacts with these other women and I’ll be your roommate here if you allow that happen, my question is what’s the motive to change, what is the reasoning that would lead him to want to do anything differently? And I’m not going to tell you what to do. It’s not my decision assures. And I hope that your counselor is not telling you what to do either. It’s not his or her decision. It’s yours. You always have to make your own. But if your decision is he can’t do this. My strong recommendation is you have to stick with that. You can’t back off on that and change it because if you do, you basically give them a message. This is what I want, but I’ll put it with other stuff as well and I don’t know.