My husband cheated on me. I’m talking about my experience being cheated on. I just wanted to put it as claiming here that I’m going to be talking about red flags and just because I’m talking about a red flag and you’re experiencing that at the moment with your partner. It doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily cheating on you. I’m just telling you the red flags that I experience and the things that I learned from that experience because I’m a true believer that when you go through something, it’s not for nothing and even though it breaks you, you pick yourself up and it may feel like at that point you can’t get up and you can’t go on. But I’m here today to tell you that you genuinely can. Many of you may know it is actually married for nearly four and a half years and I went through a huge relationship breakdown very publicly. It was the most dark time of my life and I’m sharing this with you guys because I share so many of the highlights, my laugh with you guys on social media. And I think it’s only fair that I also talk about this period of my life. I was so dark and so traumatic and so hard and share with you guys because I know many of you are going through a situation like this and I spoke about it on instagram and this was highly requested.
So I’m going to be getting into it and I guess I should just start at the start and guys, this isn’t to spill the tea on that relationship or that person because truly that person is in my past, I don’t have any contact with them whatsoever. I met this guy when I was thirteen. I was living in San Diego. He was a copy as older than me and he was this cool athlete and I just thought he was just the coolest, most attractive guy had a huge question to him. We say in contact on facebook and my space is in my top my school friends and then when I turned seventeen, we actually went officials. I thought this guy was incredible. We actually ended up winning engagement when I was nineteen and married at twenty and for a few years we had it in genuinely. Just incredible relationship and it is something really special about growing up with somebody and knowing them really well and being able to do that part of your life together, but there was a lot of stress on our relationship and for us it was a financial stress. He wasn’t a citizen of australia, so he wasn’t able to work and he was studying the university. So that was something that I had to fund. I had to pay for, you know. It adds up. It’s it’s a it’s a big stick for your feet and I was working a lot of hours and there was a lot of, I guess, free time that he had and that’s probably where things really went south. I would say it was a lot of dishonesty. It’s not really something that I need to talk about. But I just want you to understand that I went through a circumstance and it broke me on soil level. It was something that I didn’t think that I could recover from and here I am when you’ve built a life with someone. Everything is intertwined, you know, your finances, your friend. Your families, like all of these things. So what do you do go through a breakup after this instance of cheating, you don’t lose that person. You lose all of those things as well. So for anyone going through a breakup. I know it’s incredibly hard and truly. A divorce is the hardest thing that I’ve ever experienced in my whole life and I slivers a lot more to this story after the divorce he was actually remarried months later. So of course, that really, I guess messed with my head.
Signs of cheating
And I just want to, I guess share now the red flags that I experience that I missed at that time because I was young and naive and I wanted to believe the best in a person that didn’t have my best. My best interest at heart, a few of the red flags that I actually experienced. Of course, and it grows without saying is extreme secrecy, like it can be made short in the conversations and not giving very much information. But for me, the big one was the phone. I never had his pass code and in all honesty, it was never something that I had ever once said. We’d never grown through each other’s phone. That was not something that I had ever done. He just kind of getting really funny with his phone, like he would be on his phone. He had a face away when he was messaging and just like little stuff like that and it was actually my little brother that figured out what was going on because he heard a ringtone from an app dating app and he recognized that he knew the sounds and that’s how I kind of figured out what was going on. So extreme secrecy. Hiding your phone. Hiding path crews, turning your phone off at night. All of these little things that just to start adapt, like why like what are you hiding, there is no need to be secretive and feel guilty if you’re not doing anything wrong, for example. You know you would say why you had your friend, it would be like, no. I’m not hiding my friend. What are you talking about? I’m not hiding my friend very defensive out of nowhere, just very triggered about little things that shouldn’t have been triggering, which for me, kandah insinuates a guilty conscience so that to me is definitely a red flag, another red flag. And this is actually one that I ignored very early on in the relationship was the opinion of friends and family. Now obviously many of us have really good friends and family around us that meet our partners. And of course, I got to offer their opinions. You’re young, you’re in love. You are so infatuated by this person and there’s so many endorphins. This is all new. It’s all exciting.
Love is blind
And it’s very easy to ignore the opinions of the people around you who actually know you best and do have your best intentions at heart. I think when your friends and your family are saying things that are critical about this person in the very first stages of the relationship, it is something to take into account if it is multiple people saying a very similar thing you do need to listen to that and the next red flag is manipulation. There is so many ways to manipulate a person and their feelings. You can manipulate their emotions and you can also manipulate them into feeling like something is their faults if you’re always being made to feel like the bad person that is very, very toxic and it drains you as a person which brings me to my next red flag. Does this person actually make me a better person or am I just staying in this relationship out of ease and convenience, and because I’m expected to by the end, that was definitely something I was doing. I was staying in this relationship because in my head I was like. I’ve married, I’ve married this processing. We’re going to figure it out. It’s better or worse. We’re near to canceling. We’re going to do these things, but the reality is for a relationship to work. It truly has to be true parties involved and invested and both have integrity and honesty and genuinely have a heart for each other. And I think when one person is breaking that that bond. That sacred bond that you have and they are manipulating you into thinking that there’s nothing going on and there is then, um it’s just not going to work another red flag that I experience was changes in sexual activity. Now I know that probably sounds a little bit weird, but truly this is a person that you’re physically intimate with. And you’ve been with them for a long time and you know what, that person I guess is like towards you physically the level of affection that they give you and suddenly it changes. I think that maybe another reason and I think that is definitely a discussion that needs to be had even though that is in principle, it is definitely something that is a really big towel. So I actually got a d.m. from a girl. Robbie, can you please block my boyfriends. He has screenshots of you on his phone zoomed in on. That is such a huge red flag that is a waving. Fluid fluoride, red flag. That is crazy if you were in a relationship with somebody who is being inappropriate like that. It’s not on you to message the girl. It’s on him to have integrity and for me I was at a point where I finally just put my foot down and realized what I was worth now when I talked about doing this video on instagram, a question that I got a lot is is it cheating for a partner to be following the other sex on instagram. Some women won a really tight ship for me. That is not something that really I’m concerned with. Obviously if you’re messaging that person and being inappropriate with them and you know spending time on face time with them and doing those things that is not okay, but obviously there are many beautiful people on the walls and I think following someone and appreciating that beauty is okay. Obviously not commenting inappropriate things, but for me, that is not something that was a red flag for me. I’m I’m totally okay with that. I know I follow a couple of counts of males on instagram, people that I’m friends with and and or alex told his female he’s friends with. But it’s never been something that has been. A warning sign for me, but I know some people do feel differently about that. And another question that I got a lot as well on instagram is is it okay for your partner to have a best friend of the officers sex. And to me. That surely comes down to your case by case scenario. I think you need to follow your intuition as a woman as a person and kind of just feel out if it’s appropriate. Is it a family friend, is it someone that they know. Is it someone you get along with and they are nice to you. So I think that is very much up to the circumstance. Not to your intuition to me, that is not necessarily a warning sign. I think it just depends on so many things I genuinely am such a true believer that any circumstance that you go through is not for nothing. I do think that there is something that you can learn out of every circumstance and unfortunately the reality is that things change, um, circumstances change relationships full apart and people let you down. I’ve never felt more power in my life. Than I did at the point when I finally slid up and I looked in the mirror and I looked at myself and I was like, you know, you’re worth. You know who you are and you have the strength to walk away and the dignity walk away from this because you deserve more. And I think there’s something really powerful about a woman finding that power in herself. You’re probably going to fall apart a little bit after that and you grow through seasons and ebbs and flow is like with anything in life, but something that I really took out of this is that it’s not about you. It’s not about you. It’s a shortcoming. It’s something in that person that is missing that isn’t getting fulfilled for whatever reason. And if they’re not fulfilled enough in themselves, they’re not going to go to fulfill you and love you in the way that you deserve another question that I got a lot when I spoke about this on instagram. Was do you hate the other woman now if you had asked me when I first found out about this, honestly, I would have said yes because I was so angry and I was so bitter and I was so genuinely hurt and broken. But standing back now, I can say no, it wasn’t her fault. I didn’t have a relationship with her. I didn’t have a bond with her commitment to her an agreement with her. I had that with my partner and he was the one who broke. And she obviously knew that he was in relationships. So that speaks obviously more about her values and her morals as well as his but I can’t hate her. If that makes sense and me hating her is just going to keep me bitter. I was so bitter and I was so hurt about this for so long that sitting back and looking at it and moving on and being in a genuinely happy relationship. I’ve let that go and I have forgiven both of them because if it’s something that I hold on to. It’s something that’s going to hold me back from moving on to future and friendships and being able to trust and you know being in a new relationship where I am genuinely.
Healing after infidelity
Really happy moving on to what I want from this. I genuinely want that I’m going to be okay. With or without another person and that is a powerful thing. So it understands because I’m being with this president for my whole kind of like adults life and then when I was finally by myself, I really just grew into this full version of myself and I realized that this person that I thought was fulfilling me and holding me up and with my partner was actually holding me back. Which is a crazy thought to I mean, kind of grass because it’s so different than the mentality that I had when I was in that relationship and if any of you going through this right now, I know it is a really dark time and it’s really lonely and isolating. But I promise you it is going to bouquet and there is something powerful about being by yourself as well and really learning about who you are and what you stand for and having the power to walk away from a relationship that is holding you back. And that is really, really toxic. Another thing that I learned from this experience is that your mental health is so tied to physical health. I was so stressed when I was going through this relationship breakdown that most physical health took a turn was getting incredible breakouts on my whole face my hair as many of you guys know my hair journey has been a long one. My head just snapped because I was so stressed. I was constantly tired. I was constantly sick. I was drained, lost way and I just wasn’t coping and I was pushing people away and the fact that a person who is meant to trap you back and have that type of a. On you is actually a huge red flag as well and that is definitely something that I learned was that your physical health is so important. And if someone is having that huge of an effect on you in such a negative way, then there’s no way that that can be healthy. Another thing that I really learned from this experience is that I genuinely had to actually forgive that person and that circumstance because otherwise I was going to hold on to all of that bitterness, my angry. I project that on to my relationship. My current relationship now onto a person who has done nothing wrong, only treated me like a queen. I genuinely had to put that aside and say that was that circumstance. This is not that there’s no red flags here. This is a person and a man that I do genuinely trust. And that can be a really hard thing because obviously we have that small voice in the back of our head that you know it comes out with the boxing gloves and it’s like, what’s going on here and you can be suspicious about things that have nothing and no way behind them. So I think it really comes down to putting that stuff out of your head as much as you can and relearning and I read a quote the other day, it was really interesting. I said so much of the life is. Not about learning. It’s about unlearning and the more I thought about it, I was like, that potato is just so many things in our life because how many times does somebody treat us the wrong way and we hold onto that and it damages us and instead of, you know, leaning into that and giving them a chance. We hold something against them that they didn’t even do. Another thing that I learned from miss anna tipp and instructor that I would give you guys is that if you want to get over the relationship and I know so many of us women are instagram detectives, we are great online. We can find anything, stop doing it. Stop looking if you’re broken up. Let us stay in the past for me. I have a zero tolerance policy if there’s a situation like that, there is no going back. I don’t need to be stalking you on instagram. I don’t need to be stalking you on your partner on instagram. Yes, of course, you’re curious, that’s humiliation to be curious on what are they doing. What does he look like now? I think that it’s something that needs to be left in the past and you don’t need to feed into that because if you do. It’s going to kind of play with your own emotions and I know that that is more easily said than done because it’s such a tempting thing to do to want to grisp them online and find out what’s going on in their lives. But I trust me on this one, it’s easier to just let it go and it’s going to really just aid your healing or promise as I hope you enjoyed today’s beer. I know it’s a very different topic. It’s a very sensitive topic and one that is very close to my heart and I’m just so passionate about empowering women. So if you have been through a circumstance where you’ve been cheated on or whether you’ve been in a relationship toxic. A breakup, a divorce, whatever it is, my hawker is out to. I know genuinely how dark it can be, but I also know how light your future can be as well. And I know that the best is yet to come from you. I know that it’s surgery and something to hold on to another thing that in shelf you guys as well. That really, really helps me was actually writing notes to my future self because sometimes you don’t realize how far you come until you look. And writing notes to your future self exactly as you are in that point when you’re breaking down when you’re falling apart and you look back on them in the future. You really realize how far you come and how much you’ve learnt and you really find so much strength in that. I remember one day my mom said a quote to me. I was so angry at her at the time the same as quote because I was like, you’re not sensitive like you don’t you don’t understand what I’m going through and she said to meet you at some days you have to pretend to be okay until one day you realize you aren’t pretending any more. And I just remember at the time I was like, mark. That doesn’t make any sense. But then it happens so slowly that you realize that you’re not only better, but you’re better than you ever were and you are happier than you ever were and you’re freer and that opens you up to not only be a better version of yourself. It also opens you up to being with a better quality of people who can genuinely love you the way that you deserve.