My boyfriend is a cheater. Three things I wish I knew after he cheated. Really, it’s three things I really desperately needed to know after I found out he was cheating. So today we’re talking about the three things I wish I knew after finding out my husband had been unfaithful, the very first thing was that. It wasn’t my fault.
Was it my fault?
You notice how when you find out someone’s cheating on you, you immediately question yourself. You question your worth, your beauty, your excitement, your. Everything, you know your taste in music. What you find enjoyable, every detail you question, you decide that you’re not enough. I wish I could go back to myself and say you are enough. And if that’s something that you need to hear right now. Let me say it for you. You are enough. Think about it like this. You can be lonely, unfulfilled, sad, angry. Happy you name it in a relationship and you can still choose to be faithful. I know you can because I’ve done it. And you likely have done it as well. You see the differences is that we didn’t make a choice to be unfaithful. And so I can sit here today and say. It was not your phone.
Pain is okay
The second thing that I very desperately needed to hear was that I should not hide from the pain. I was an expert hider of my feelings. So if this is you know that we are in together. So hiding from the pain is understandable because it is the most overwhelming, painful, awful. I mean, like we just said, you question yourself, you question your past memories, you question the future. You question what your family’s going to be like and look like there is pain, you can be triggered. You can have anxiety, panic attacks, depression. The pain is intense and it is overwhelming. So I understand wanting to hide from it. But here’s the deal. I did that. For three years I sat in that like. Like all consuming. I feel like I can’t breathe going to die. Three years until I started actually choosing to face that pain. And so when we choose. Drinking or drugs are running into a million different relationships or busyness work. You name it. I chose to binge watch netflix. Like it was my fulltime job and I was getting overtime round the clock. Okay, whatever we choose to run from that pain. It only lasts but so long that pain is still here. It’s waiting for you and I remember having like, oh, this is a good day. I’m feeling good and then all of a sudden I’m a freaking puddle on the floor, crying my eyes out and it just it came up or you have neck pain or back pain or headaches. The pain is always there and if you don’t deal with it, it comes out in your body, comes out in your attitude. Your bitterness, you’ll pass it down to your family, put it on to your friends. It just like tries to swallow you up. And I wish I could go back and just face that pain and move through it instead of trying to go over it or under it or anywhere it wasn’t. And so I wish I knew that.
You need to heal
The last thing that I wish I knew was that I actually needed to heal. And that sounds pretty basic, but stay with me. You know, I had a newborn baby and a three year old and I was a stay at home mom. So I felt very vulnerable, very afraid and I desperately wanted to stay married. I pictured being married forever. That’s what I signed up for and so i. When I say I needed to heal. I was so focused on finding him help finding him the resources and to you know, marriage counseling figure out how and why this happened that I never decided or realized or knew how to heal myself because this finding out about somebody’s unfaithfulness is a massive trauma and it really needs to be addressed like that. And so it takes a lot of time. It takes some guidance to know like here’s what I might be feeling and here’s why and here’s what I can do and some real practical stuff to get you through this, especially as really hard. First few months, the first. And so if I would have known. I needed to heal or how to heal anything like that. My life would be so much different right now. I wouldn’t have wasted three years in missouri. And so that’s actually my my passion. My drive because I wasted years in misery. Something good has to come out of that or it will make me freaking nuts. And so I created after the affair so that from my pain, my mistakes, my oh crap, that was wrong can come your I know what to do. And so I actually found two of the very best therapist period around that deal with this and I partnered with them and we just made videos talking about the. Biggest subjects, the biggest things you need to know about when you’re trying to heal your own heart from somebody else’s unfaithfulness. And so that’s my reason that’s my passion. No one ever again needs to heal or suffer through this alone. Everyone can heal and everyone can find help. And so those are the three things and I wanted to leave you with one extra quick tip if you’re struggling a lot, I know that. Being triggered easily is something that happens a lot, especially in the beginning by different memories or things that kind of make you think about the affair. And that can kind of bring in a lot of anxiety. One thing that’s really good to help with that, especially on days where you’re just your mind’s racing and you can’t focus, you can’t stop thinking about these little details, switch hands. That’s it. So I’m right handed. This might look less handed to you and if I’m right handed, I’ll take my right hand and I’ll put it in my pocket or maybe even strap it some arm with a belt and I won’t use it. I’m only going to use my left hand. And what that does is it will make you. Be very mindful. You know I can’t butter bread with my left hand and think about all these crazy thoughts very well because I have to focus because it’s like, oh, how do I cut, you know, like you have to like make your body kind of making your brain come down and focus into what you’re doing so that you don’t have that extra power in your brain to have your racing thoughts. So I just wanted to leave you with that. That’s what we’re all about after the affair real practical things to do to help you get through this because I do not want you to be like me and waste years of your life stuck in pain.